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Top Gear is the MAD Magazine for motorheads. No Spy Vs Spy or Mad fold-ins, but otherwise a close replica of the insouciant, tongue in cheek, madcap antics that MAD brought to generations of readers before it was banned and all its staff deported by the Tramp administration. I confess, I was a huge fan of MAD Magazine, but my mother refused to allow it in the house, calling it degenerative trash and worse. The only place I could read it was at the barbershop, which meant I was begging my parents to take me for a haircut at least once a month. Barbershops back then had comic books, too — another cultural affront that was forbidden within the sanctified walls of my childhood home.
Many readers are wondering what the effect of the election will be on our beloved electric cars. With an exclusive report, Top Gear has the answer. And so, without further ado, because I know you are all perishing to know what the future holds, here is the Top Gear report, uncensored and unexpurgated. Make sure you are sitting down before seeing this. What you are about to read may cause uproarious laughter, shaking of the belly, and other strange physical manifestations of delight. Lord knows we could use a little humor in our lives right now. Here’s the headline:
Report: All Electric Cars In The US To Be Retrofitted With V8s
Electric cars in the US will soon be retrofitted with big, thirsty and hugely powerful V8 engines, according to multiple sources close to the US auto industry.
November 8, 2024 by Cory Spondent
Every single electric car currently in circulation in North America will be subject to a recall so that their batteries and e-motors can be swapped out for a giant eight cylinder combustion engine. And it is understood the unused and unwanted battery packs will be used to build giant ramps for monster trucks. “We’re going to fix everything about electric cars, and the reason is because they’re all electric,” an unnamed source close to the project said. Yes, putting massive V8s into three million or so electric cars isn’t going to be easy, but we’ll do it for the American people. We’ll deliver strong, safe and hugely potent eight cylinder drivetrains into even the most humdrum of EVs. We’re going to lead the greatest V8 comeback in American history.”
When pushed on the logistics of recalling over three million electric cars, the costs of continuing abandoned V8 engine programs, and the labor required to swap them all around, a source wearing orange pancake makeup on his face and a ridiculous comb over because he is to embarrassed to admit he is partially bald said: “It’ll be beautiful. Big V8. The biggest there’s ever been. So big.” He added, “Ramps. Beautiful ramps.”
That’s the news. We now return you to your regular programming, already in progress.
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